Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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