Umm I'm too high to move.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
