Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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