i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
