I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we're making bets on your personal life
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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