went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
