We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
