I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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