i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
