Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
