Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
