is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
