i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
