somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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