Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
