please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
