so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
