Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
