Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
