the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
