i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
