My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
