He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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