there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
