and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you will always have a special place in my vag
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
