What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
