I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
