he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
