Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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