My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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