I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
