Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
