I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
