I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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