I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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