I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
