my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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