So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
