You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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