So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
