Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
