Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
