probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
