I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
