You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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