I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
