I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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