no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
