Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
