overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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